Old Wounds
by Settees-under-siege
Summary: Set during 2x02. The war has begun to snake it's way into Robert and Cora's marriage leaving a trail of dissention and uncertainty in it's wake whilst resurrecting some feelings long buried by both time and denial.
1. Perpendicular Paths

_A/N I've been suffering from writers block for a good two months now and this is my first outing since hitting that hard wall. I've been feeling the urge to get back into my stories for a good couple of weeks now and have written a bit for my AU Darkness and Daylight as well as some parts of a new cannon one shot(?) and yet it's this that I've been compelled to publish tonight over both of the others. I have no idea how long this will be or where exactly it might lead but I've always been interested to explore what actually happened after this scene in Season 2, Episode 2. Feeling a bit rusty though so keen to hear your thought's on this new venture. _

* * *

_April, 1917_

_"I heard what you said to Matthew about the regiment," Cora said softly, her attention fixed on her husband. Robert was quick to break eye contact as he coughed slightly._

_"Everyone else knows what a fool I made of myself, why shouldn't he?"_

_"I don't think you're a fool. Isn't that enough?" she implored him._

_"No," he paused. "Maybe it should be but it isn't."_

The light vanished in her cerulean eyes like a switch being flicked off as she studied him with a hurt expression. His words hung in the air between them as the seconds passed. His tone had been flat and certain. And it was in that moment he had reestablished eye contact. That moment that he had made a subconscious decision to shut her out. Pain filled her heart as a flood of old feelings seeped into cracks that had been gradually forming over the past few weeks.

Ever since Robert had received a letter from General Roberts inviting him to be Colonel of the North Riding Volunteers Cora had become more and more on edge. Naturally she had concealed her struggles from the house at large but in her solitary moments, fear had begun to grip her and memories from Robert's days fighting the Boar War plagued her mind.

The fighting had not just taken place at the front. _She_ had endured many battles too. Battles to keep the estate running as smoothly as possible in Robert's absence. Battles to keep her three young daughter's spirits up, to be both mother and father to them in a way. And battles with the constant and all consuming ache of loneliness and to a certain extent, abandonment she felt at all times of the day but particularly at night when she lay in her empty bed, clutching his pillow to her chest whilst gazing at a photo of him on her bedside table. It had been one of the darkest periods of their marriage, riddled with an uncertainty that reminded her of the uncertainty she felt when they were first married and she was unsure of the depth of his feelings for her. It had all been a massive ball of complexity that had chained her heart to the wall, unable to break free and reliant upon Robert's safe return with the key to unlock her from this state.

Then Robert had confessed to her that he wasn't needed at the front after all and the relief she had felt was nearly overwhelming but she had managed to suppress it mostly when she had seen the look on his face and the droop of his shoulders. It hadn't slipped under her radar that he had seemed a bit disheartened when he had returned from the regimental dinner the previous night but he had been quick to change the subject and so she had let it go. Robert, on the other hand, was having extreme difficulty letting it go. His sleeping pattern had become irregular and he often woke her in the small hours with his tossing and turning. On at least six occasions she had in fact awoken to an empty space because he couldn't sleep and had gone for a walk around the house. And there was no shortage of comments about him feeling envious of the young men who were doing their duty, uselessness on his part and seeing an 'old codger' reflected in the mirror – a description she had later found out had been bestowed on him by General Hague himself. No matter how hard she had tried to uplift and distract him since his second refusal of a posting to the front, which was clearly never the intention of the general's, he had continued to employ his wistful line of thinking and it had worn on her.

Now as Robert sat in the armchair, elbows resting on his knees and completely motionless, Cora let out a defeated sigh. They had never seen eye to eye on the subject of war and perhaps they never would. If Cora had her way, wars would not even happen because they took men away from their loved ones both willingly and unwillingly with no guarantee of returning. They became pawns that the countries in dispute played with on a chess board. But more agonizingly for her, Robert had always been situated firmly in the 'willingness' category, citing speeches about duty to king and country which was supposedly also a duty to protect their families' freedom and future. And she strongly disagreed, believing his priorities to be back-to-front. Tearing herself away from her husband who still hadn't moved a muscle, she twisted around and turned off her bedside light, settling beneath the covers of her bed on her side with her back to him.

"Cora?" Robert probed cautiously.

"I'm tired and want to get a decent night's sleep ahead of tomorrow what with Carson being ill. There will surely be much to sort out. Goodnight." Robert knew he had been dismissed and he felt his stomach drop like a stone. Slowly, he rose from his chair, a strange numbing sensation taking over him.

"Goodnight," he reciprocated and retreated to his dressing room.


	2. Opposite Banks of the River

_A/N Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far, I really appreciate the feedback! _

* * *

Robert closed the door behind him with a dull _thud_ and let his hand fall from the handle to his side. He simply stood there, staring into the darkness. Darkness which he had not planned on facing alone this night. A darkness which he had only himself to blame for. But then, who was he kidding? He was constantly facing this darkness alone. It didn't matter if he was with Cora or anyone else or by himself. Darkness was his personal demons' playground and they took great pleasure in taunting him at all hours of the day. His heart was weighed down by his feelings of uselessness. He did not want to be a mascot or some living relic on display for the public like an animal in a zoo cage. The house, the estate, they were his cage. A persistent reminder that he was stuck at home whilst young men were in the trenches fighting for their king and country.

Until the war had begun, he had not thought of himself as old. Granted, he was not in his prime anymore though Cora always begged to differ if the subject ever arose, but he still considered himself to be quite fit and healthy. He refused to believe that he was not needed. Given his position and experience in the Boar War it made sense that he should be there leading the men, setting the example. But it was not he who made that decision. That power resided with General Roberts and it was a concept that Robert fought with on a daily basis.

Slowly, he dragged himself over to his cold, single bed and pulled off his black dressing gown, discarding it on the nearby chair. Then he kicked off his slippers and nudged the blankets back, climbing into bed. He shivered slightly as he wriggled his way down onto his side, facing the wall that now separated him from his wife. He closed his eyes tightly and sighed inwardly as he thought of her, the way her heart seemed to break right in front of him. But unlike the early days of their marriage, she was now stronger and she had held it together. Yet another thing that he was failing miserably at. He was a floundering fish out of water that had become the talk of the family behind his back as much as to his face because he just couldn't conceal his struggles in the way that his wife could. Muffled sobs intruded on his line of thinking.

Robert's eyes were open again as he mentally shook himself. Was he hallucinating now? Then came a few hiccups and some more sobs followed by a strangled cry and a couple of rattled breaths. Cora was crying. Robert felt physically sick as the noises continued to permeate through the wall. Strong she may be but she still had her moments and this was yet another one that he was the cause of. He rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, which he could now make out with his newly refocused sight. Perhaps he should go back in right now and apologize for his heartless statement, not to mention all of his other short-comings of late. But Robert knew she wouldn't be so likely to receive him much less actually listen to him in her current frame of mind. She had always made it plain to him that she disagreed with his motives for going to war anyway though she had become more tactful over time. Now he concluded, it was best to let the dust settle at least until morning by which time, he was resolved to have thought of a way to approach her without inflaming the situation any further.

* * *

The light slowly filtered into the Mercia bedroom as Cora began to stir. She had not moved position all night and had eventually fallen asleep curled up on her side, exhausted from her weeping. Carefully, she stretched herself out, immediately feeling a bit stiff as the fog lifted on her drowsy brain. Images and words came flooding back to her from the previous night and she felt a stab in her heart as she heard her husband's voice inside her head.

_"No. Maybe it should be but it isn't." _

She immediately felt another lump rising in her throat and fought to suppress it, realizing that her mouth was very dry, possibly from her exertions the previous night. Blinking her eyes open, she determined to sit up and poor herself a cup of water from the jug that was situated in the bathroom. It was then that she saw the vase of flowers placed on her bedside table. She immediately recognized the variety of blooms to be from the Monk's Garden on the south-east side of the lawn. Reaching out she grasped the vase firmly in one hand, bringing the flowers to her nose and inhaling their luscious combination of scents, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. As she went to place the vase back down on the table surface she then spotted a note. Up until that point she had been so focused on the flowers that it hadn't even occurred to her that they were surely from Robert as a peace-offering after last night. For a moment she hesitated, wondering if she felt up to reading the contents when her emotions were still in such turmoil, and becoming more and more poignant as she shook off the last effects of slumber. Robert had made an effort though and she knew she couldn't just leave it unacknowledged. Cora dreaded to think of the hour that he must have been up, dressed and knocking on the gardeners' cottage door. Picking up the note, she sank back down onto the edge of the bed and began to read.

_My dearest Cora,_

_I did not sleep a wink last night as I replayed everything that transpired over and over in my head. I know I dealt you a grave injury with my choice of words and I deeply regret them. I am so sorry Cora. Please know that you are, have been, and will always be enough for me. I understand if you would like some space today. But if you are agreeable, I would like to take you somewhere secluded so I may apologize to you properly and hope to start making up for my brooding behaviour. I will be out on the estate this morning but will be back for luncheon if you wish to come. _

_Robert_

Cora reread the note through a second time and heaved a sigh. She had always hated it when they were in conflict with one another as it so rarely happened and she always felt it so keenly. Since the early days of their marriage they had always been very tight-knit most of the time and had built a loving, lasting relationship. But they were still human, prone to marital spats like every other couple. She glanced up to the clock on the mantelpiece. 8.30am. Absentmindedly, she pulled the cord by her bed for O'Brien to bring her breakfast, her decision about her husband's offer made.


	3. I Just Can't Reach You

When Cora arrived for luncheon she found Mary, Sir Richard and Edith all at the table along with her husband and his gaze was immediately on her. She smiled faintly and took her place beside her middle daughter.

"I'll be in York for the rest of the afternoon. I've got a few errands to run," Edith announced to the table at large.

"That sounds rather mundane," Mary replied.

"It's what you make of it," Edith retorted and bent over her plate with a frown.

"Well I'm off for a walk down to the lake this afternoon. The fresh air will do me good," Robert declared, carrying on the discussion. Cora recognized the hint.

"I'd like to come with you if that's alright?" she said quietly. Robert's face softened and his shoulders fell slightly, as though he had been holding his breath, anticipating her response.

"Of course you may."

"Oh that's a good idea. I'd like to show Sir Richard more of the estate so may we come too?" Mary interjected. Robert paused and glanced at his wife who returned his look nonchalantly much to his vexation. He had very much wanted to spend the afternoon alone with her, trying to heal the rift that had developed between them.

"If you wish," he said shortly.

"I'm certainly interested to see more of the place Mary has grown up in," Sir Richard confirmed. "I have brought a tweed coat with me this weekend just in case."

"Excellent, it's settled then," Mary said happily. Cora kept her eyes firmly on her plate, masking the depth of her disappointment.

* * *

They had been walking for silence for quite some time. Robert and Cora were far enough ahead of Mary and Sir Richard to engage in private conversation and yet there was an uncomfortable silence between them which had not been there for many years. It was a foreign feeling and as they trampled their way through the thick forest debris, Robert's racing heart could not bear it any longer.

_"Where's Rosamund?" He hadn't meant to be quite so brusque but the question was out of his mouth before he could check himself. Much to his surprise, Cora's response was immediate, as though she was experiencing much the same need to somehow break the ice._

_"She's with your Mama, trying to talk her into the idea of Sir Richard." She snuck a glance over her shoulder at this remark._

_"You don't sound very enthusiastic," Robert noted, failing to keep the edge out of his voice. _

_"Are you?" Cora countered. _

Robert was stumped. He had spent so much time wrapped up in his own feelings and then that of his wife that the presence of Mary's new suitor had barely touched his mind at all. Sensing his hesitancy, Cora peered up at him. "Robert?"

"Mmm? Sorry," he mumbled absentmindly. "Sir Richard, yes. Well he is helping to keep Mary's mind off Matthew but I can't really say much more for him than that. He is closer to us in age for goodness sakes," Robert continued as a memory of Sir Anthony Strallan flashed in front of him.

"Is that so bad?"

"Well it's not a sin and not his fault but I would prefer it if Mary were taking an interest in men closer in age."

"There is a war on," Cora pointed out.

"Yes," Robert conceded, realizing they had unwittingly found themselves on the very topic that both of them had started out avoiding.

"Papa!" Mary called out from some distance behind them as she hastened over. Robert and Cora turned, Robert feeling relieved that he had been given a chance to get his bearings.

"Yes my dear?"

"I'm going to start heading back to Downton with Sir Richard now, going by the creek. I hope you don't mind our leaving you?" she inquired.

"No, not at all. We'll see you later on," Robert affirmed, smiling at her. Mary returned the smile and retreated to Sir Richard who was standing a few paces away. They both watched as Mary led him up towards the top of the lake for a moment before Cora heard her husband draw a deep breath.

"I didn't think we'd get a chance to be completely alone at all with the way things were going," he admitted.

"I agree." Cora looked down as Robert offered her the crook of his right arm and threaded her own arm through the gap, allowing him to guide her to the secluded place he had spoken of in his note that morning.

They meandered around the side of the lake for another few minutes in silence. But unlike before, it had morphed into the more familiar air they both knew and loved. They still had not had that crucial conversation but since Robert had offered her his arm, Cora had somehow felt more at ease. She still felt a pang at his words from the previous night but it calmed her somewhat to know that he was intent on healing the breach between them as much as he could.

After a while, Robert veered off from the lake and back into the woods, bound for a small clearing which held a very sensitive memory for them both. As they neared their destination, Cora began to recognize the old, overgrown path they were walking on and her heart skipped a beat. Just before Robert had gone off to fight in the Boar War, he had taken her out for a walk and had brought her to the clearing which she could now see just beginning to open up in front of them. Wondering why he would bring her here, where she had known such heart ache, she began to feel apprehensive and tried to keep her old memories at bay. Then she felt Robert halt beside her and blinked. They had arrived at their destination.

Cora felt Robert clasp her hand and raise it to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to the back of it. Then he turned it over, kissing her palm followed by the underside of her wrist. Finally, he raised his eyes to gaze at her openly, holding her hand between both of his against his chest. Cora took a deep breath to fight against a sudden upwelling of nerves. "Last night, I didn't think before speaking Cora. I know that I cannot retract the words that passed my lips but please believe me when I say I never meant to hurt you." Robert paused, blinking several times as he fought to keep eye contact with her. "I've just felt so frustrated lately. Watching all these young men go off to war to fight for their King and country while I'm here feels so wrong to me." Cora's heart sank. The way he was talking already warned her that he hadn't changed his thinking, at least not much of it. "It's not that I don't feel fulfilled by you, our family and my work here," Robert went on as he struggled to keep his composure.

"Then what? What is it?" Cora cut in desperately. "Please Robert, I want to understand and I never have." She lifted her free arm, bringing her hand to rest on both of his as she observed his countenance intently. Robert looked down at their entwined hands and frowned, trying to find the right words for his feelings.

"It doesn't feel right that I'm here, safe and enjoying a life of privilege when there are men in another countries, giving their lives for its maintenance. Not to mention, with so much going on, I…" he trailed off, a lump rising in his throat. Could he even say it? Robert Crawley had been raised to believe that a man should be strong and brave, loyal to his family, kind to all whom he co-existed with, to protect them all from unnecessary harm. Not to appear as weak, emotional train wrecks, unsure of themselves let alone their situations.

"What is it?" Cora whispered, stepping closer to him, wanting so much to reassure him. Robert studied her for a moment as several memories flashed before him. She was so intelligent, his wife. So strong and constant. Loving in a way he had once never thought possible. The nurturer of the family, their family. But she was also innocent. And he had been determined to keep the horrors of war from her back then, just as he sought to now. He did not want to risk scaring her in the way he had suffered in years past. And though this was a bit different, he couldn't upset her again, especially when she was so vulnerable.

"It's nothing," he mumbled. Cora began to shake her head emphatically. She could not bear to have another bad memory in this place.

"Please don't," she begged. "Don't shut me out Robert. I can cope with whatever you say. Please don't shut me out!"

"It's alright," he assured her, gently pressing a kiss to her cheek.

In that moment, everything changed.

* * *

_A/N Sorry for the delay. I thought I'd have this finished a lot sooner but my holiday was rather busy. Keen to hear your thoughts._


End file.
